Dear Captain Cannon #5

Hello Sauerworld,  it’s your favorite Captain! This week I’ve taken questions from a worried son and a very sad panda. Let’s see what’s troubling them!

Dear Cpt. Cannon!

I am devastated! I had a nice cup of coffee, whilst enjoying my favourite no brain activity, when all of a sudden this meanie said the following to me:

WaVeS: ure not even vaq material
WaVeS: get lost
server network error, disconnecting (kicked/banned) … disconnected

I’m a sad, sad panda now. But what does this mean? I’m not vaQ’ material? Do I have to leave the only clan I ever joined? Abandon my friends? Join a weak ass bitch pretender clan such as ? I am clueless, please help me Capitano Cannonas! You are my last hope!

Yours sincerely,

Mr. vaQ. Star

 

Dear Mr. vaQ Star,

I am very sorry to say it sounds like you’re suffering from a classic case of bullying. Believe it or not I know exactly how you feel as I too was bullied as a wee lad. When I was in high school a group of rather unsavory boys used to give me some pretty severe wedgies.  In hindsight I suppose that wearing bright orange undies over my leggings might have provoked such behavior, but nevertheless it hurt me both physically and emotionally. There was even a time I tried wearing my undies UNDER my pants just to discourage further embarrassment, but it felt wrong so I just continued to endure the pain.  Even though I still have some terrifying nightmares, I’ve come to realize that it’s the pain that motivated me to become the bad-ass I am today.

So I can only give you one piece of advice on how to handle those immature babies who try to hurt you. What you need to do is pull out your panties and wear them proudly on your head! Show the world what you’re really made of! It doesn’t matter if they are blue or pink or even white with little green stars printed on the crotch.  Just let the brutal experience mold you into the strongest person you can be. You may lose your dignity but you’ll never lose your pride. And it’s that pride that will eventually make you a superhero just like me. Doesn’t that sound nice? Stay strong panty man.

Love,

Captain Cannon

Dear Cpt. Cannon!

Yesterday I duelled some noob who was constantly complaining about my lag. We played insta turbine, it was close right to the end but eventually I won and he just snapped. He said he was gonna f*ck my mother and my sister!

What should I do now?? I’m really scared for them, I love my mom, my sister not so much but that doesn’t mean I want her to get screwed?! Please help! :(

Sincerely,

Worried Son

 

Dear Worried Son,

That’s quite the predicament. I’ve never met your sister but I know for a fact that your mother is one sweet old lady. Your mother and I had a long chat about you over tea the other day. She mentioned that you you spent too much time  “fragging” and asked if she should be concerned. I have a feeling that she really doesn’t quite understand what that word means, but I assured her that you’re a growing boy and you’ll be fine.

To answer your question I’m not sure that there’s anything I can do to help. I believe that this “lag” you’re having may actually be a symptom of something entirely different. You’re probably just feeling the intergalactic polarization from spending way too much time dueling in turbine. You do know that turbine is a hub between our world and the the planet the Ogros migrated over from? Damn those Ogros…they MAKE ME WANT TO RAAAAAGE!

Anyhoo, maybe just try drinking more herbal tea. It’s been known to relax people and might just be the thing to take off that lag. As far as your dueling partner… don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of him…

Love,

Captain Cannon

 

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